Friday, February 19, 2010

Spinning 'Round like a Record

I must say out of all of the weeks in my life, this past week has provided more wild swings in feelings in such a short amount of time than I've ever experienced. Has those swings been positive? Absolutely not. In many ways I wish I would never, ever (Ever!) experience the feelings I felt ever again. Having said that, the changes that have occurred as a result of this week have been equally as startling, and unlike my feelings I don't mind experiencing these changes.

As posts this week showed, I really went through a really rough patch that really had me doing some dumb things--especially doubting God. Do I wish I could take them back? Pretty much, but for the first time in my life I actually let myself get upset, and I was surprised by the speed in which I got over a lot of the situation. The last time I had such a bad thing happen to me, I kept everything internalized and spent a good two months in silent agony because I let no one know how much I hurt. So in the end I count it as a net positive, though in hindsight, if I'm ever in that situation again (I sure hope it never happens again!), God's going to have to help me not have such deep troughs.

The most astounding thing in all of this is the changes that's been happening in me. Yesterday at school I was talking to a teacher about what I've been going through, and she commented how much I've changed in this school year, and especially in the past two weeks. I was stunned when she said she noticed that something about me changed from last Friday to talking to me on Monday to talking to me on Thursday--and they were all for the better. I told her I felt the same way, because looking back on the past week I find that I've had several major changes in how I view the world around me and how I even think about a lot things. Even now, I'm in a really weird spot in that I know what's happened to me, but I just don't have the verbiage to express what's happened quite the way that I'd like. I find it frustrating that, in several areas of my life, I have a lot of problems in how to exactly articulate what I think and what I'm feeling about situations, which is probably a reason why I'm having to deal with this situation, as looking back I expressed how I felt about  being in a couple of situations, and what I said really and truthfully had little to do with how I actually felt, and made me sound quite dumb.

I was a bit perturbed with myself as I was telling my friend this, because it seems that this affliction is especially hurting other areas of my life, but I kind of feel helpless because I don't know how to fix it. My friend just laughed and said something very insightful: maybe I'm not the problem. I've been the same sheltered and reserved person for so long that the world around me is only used to dealing with me in that fashion. However, with all of these changes, especially in such a rapid and fundamental fashion, the world is having to deal with a completely different me that it just doesn't know what to do. When I asked her about how the people who's met me recently might react, she told me to just be patient, because all they're seeing at the moment is someone who's figuring out how to wear a pretty new personality and mindset, and it won't take long for them to realize who the real me is: not the one that curls his lips because he said something that didn't sound right even to him, and then spends the next half hour articulating what he exactly meant. I can't wait for the day I don't have to do that, if for no other reason than I can finally waste my time blathering about other things that I actually like talking about, like German Battlecruisers.

Until next time.

1 comment:

Matt @ The Church of No People said...

Hey Fred, thanks for commenting so candidly on my blog. I know it's rough trying to connect with people, especially in our increasinly isolated culture. I'm just glad we have the internet so we can see we aren't the only ones! Hop you have a blessed weekend.